A quiet lie down in a dark room with industrial quantities of elephant tranquillisers

According to reports, Number 10 has launched a campaign to “save Boris” following the steady upwards ticking in the number of Conservative MPs who have called for his resignation. Government ministers are being trotted out for the TV cameras to give unconvincing interviews about why they continue to believe, despite all the evidence to the contrary that Johnson is the best person for the job. They would be right, but only if the job consists of breaking all the rules, lying about it, making promises that he has no intention of keeping, and ensuring that any institution capable of holding him to account is rendered impotent and powerless.

The political website Politics Home has reported that a “huge save Boris operation” had begun by Tuesday afternoon in response to the number of Tory MPs publicly calling for his resignation reaching at least 30. An unknown number will have submitted letters of no-confidence in Johnson to the chair of the 1922 Committee but have chosen not to go public about it. In an interview with Mumsnet on Wednesday an unrepentant Johnson claimed that “the parties were to boost Morale”. Which is quite a different story from “there were no parties” or, “I was ambushed by cake”. He then went on to flippantly quote Dr Suess saying : “This was no time for play, this was no time for fun, this was no time for games, there was work to be done, which is our motto in Number 10. There’s work to be done.” It’s just that the work in question is saving Johnson’s miserable arse from the mess that he got himself into. It’s a mess that would never have happened if he had put a fraction of the energy and effort into doing his actual job that he is putting into his save Boris campaign.

Meanwhile, in yet another reminder why social media is an utterly toxic cesspit that is destructive of the mental health of even the most strong minded individuals, I have just had the immense misfortune of being confronted by the phrase “platty joobs.” I’m sure that phrase counts as a crime against humanity. Surprisingly enough it is not actually the technical zoological term for the breasts of a platypus, because despite being mammals, platypuses lay eggs and don’t have nipples. Never let it be said that this blog was not educational.

At first I thought Platty Joobs was the name of an alien character in the new Obi-Wan Kenobi Star Wars series, but then I discovered that it was a reference to an entirely different sort of alien lizard overlord. Platty joobs is in fact a porn term. It refers to British nationalist orgiastic flag-shagging, a peculiar fetish which has overcome most of the British media.

Now I need to go for a quiet lie down in a dark room with the aid of some elephant tranquillisers. My life was already divided into before the stroke and after the stroke. Now it will also be forever divided into before hearing the term platty joobs and after hearing the term platty joobs. It is arguable about which of the two has caused greater brain damage. Actually no, it’s not arguable at all, it’s definitely the second. If you say platty joobs five times whilst looking at a mirror, a sweaty Prince Andrew will appear and invite your teenage daughter to a Pizza Express in Woking.

Greggs is even offering a platty joobs sausage roll, because nothing says royalty like a greasy sausage roll from Greggs. People who use the term “platty joobs” probably also go on their holibobs ???with their delish husbando ?and the kiddliewinks to chillax and make memories on their insta account and have like a totes fabbo amazeballs time with drinkypoos ??✨✨??because it’s prosecco o’clock all day long ❤❤❤??which means they can legit go for a cray cray sesh whenevah ????YOLO! ????amarite babes! while saying “What are we like, we’re mad we are???!” I only wrote that sentence so that you can experience what having a stroke feels like. No need to thank me.

Please just kill me now. If you use the term platty joobs in an unironic way, or even an ironic way, do the world a favour and lock yourself in a cellar forever babes. There is quite enough suffering on the planet as it is. For those of us who have not been infected with the Royalist body snatching pod people that the media is so desperate to propagate, this weekend is going to be bad enough already, we don’t need you adding to the mental anguish. That phrase has sent us over the edge.

With Tory MPs it has been that they can’t get rid of Johnson because of covid, they can’t get rid of him because of Ukraine, they can’t get rid of him because of the cost-of-living crisis, they can’t get rid of him because of platty pissing joobs, up next it will be that they can’t get rid of him because Countdown is on and Jacob Rees Mogg is taking the P.

Yesterday the Scottish Government announced that it has set aside £20 million in order to pay the costs of holding another independence referendum next year, in line with the manifesto commitments of both the SNP and the Greens. As the First Minister pointed out at FMQs on Wednesday, Every year, the Scottish Government has to invest more than £700 million to mitigate the impact of Westminster policy that Scotland didn’t vote for, and it has to spend that amount year after year and will continue to spend it every year as long as Scotland remains a part of the UK. £700 million is 35 times the amount set aside for the referendum. The British Government is spending £1.3 billion on jubilee celebrations, 650 times the amount that the Scottish Government has set aside for the referendum. But guess which one Douglas Ross is whinging about. £20m is a mere one half of one tenth of 1% of the entire Scottish Budget, yet it will allow Scotland the chance to choose a better future for this country. That sounds like a really good investment.

This British nationalist flag shagging madness only reinforces the message that emotionally and mentally, Scotland is already out the door. A poll from “British Future” has found that only 48% of Scots are interested in the Jubilee, while 49% say they are not. Only 37% of people in Scotland feel that the Jubilee can help unite people, while 42% think it will not.

The Scottish Greens perhaps reflected majority Scottish opinion of a lack of interest in the jubilee by declining to attend a jubilee event, a vote of thanks for the Queen at Holyrood. It’s not that they wish her any ill-will, they just felt that there were better things to do. During the motion it was announced that the 96 year old monarch would receive some official gifts from the Scottish Parliament including a special bottle of whisky, the planting of 70 trees, one for each year of her reign, and a specially woven tartan throw. I need new glasses because when I first read that I thought it said tartan thong, and there’s a mental image which I will never be able to purge.

So as you hunker down under your duvet over the long weekend, binge watching movies and TV series on Netflix or Amazon Prime and avoiding the cray cray flag shagging, you can be comforted by the knowledge that sanity beckons in the form of an independence referendum which will allow Scotland to escape the madness. That at least is worth celebrating.

This blog tries to articulate arguments that might resonate with undecided voters or even soft no voters, not just to appeal to dedicated supporters of independence, and tries to develop arguments that independence supporters can use when trying to persuade those crucial undecideds and soft no voters. Site traffic has been holding up well over the past year, despite the fact that my health issues have forced me to post less frequently than before the stroke. The blog is still getting around the same number of visitors as it was in 2020. However as we move towards a second referendum, it would be good to boost this blog’s reach as we need all hands on deck to counter the strength of the anti-independence media. I’d like to ask regular readers if they can share links to posts on this blog on their own Facebook pages or with any appropriate groups that they belong to on Facebook or other platforms. If you are willing to do this, please don’t just post the link and nothing else, preface the link with a few words or a line of text. Thank you.

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