That’s bollocks

Source: Wee Ginger Dug That’s bollocks

The signs and omens were poor from the start as Theresa May prepared to go not quite head-to-head with Jeremy Corbyn. She had at least conceded to appear in the same television studio as him, although not at the same time. Emborissing Johnson was deeply discountenanced by the leaderene’s woeful refusal to do what every other prime ministerial wannabe has done and participate in a proper debate. It takes a lot to embarrass Emborissing, but during the pre-match dissection on Sky News with Adam Boulton he gave up any pretence of answering Boulton’s questions and starting to put his own questions to the Labour representative instead. It was an embarrassing display from an embarrassing man, and a portent of what was to come. If you didn’t find Johnson’s petulant display of entitlement toe-curling, it can only be because you have no toes.

Clearly, the Boorish one has some sort of power of precognition that has hitherto gone unrecognised, because Theresa’s performance ticked every box in the 85 page full length version of the “Dear Gods how embarrassing was that” form. Now we know the real reason why Theresa May refused to engage in head-to-head debates with the other party leaders. It’s because she’s too much like a vampire. The more exposed she is to the light, the more her reputation turns to ashes. Unfortunately we can’t repel her with a clove of garlic and a crucifix, but Monday night’s so-called “Battle for Number 10”, broadcast simultaneously on Channel 4 and Sky News, has definitely put a stake through the heart of Theresa’s claims to be a competent and strong leader.

Answering questions from the audience, Jeremy Corbyn came across as personable, a man who is willing to listen, likeable even. Theresa May came over as remote, distant and cold, and once more demonstrated that the only political talent of any note that she possesses is the ability to avoid answering questions. Corbyn spoke with the audience. May spoke at them. At one point the audience were openly laughing at her. But as Theresa plummeted from each disaster she discovered there was no solid surface for her to land on, and she continued to crash even lower. As she attempted to deliver a not very convincing defence of Conservative management of the NHS in England, to the delight of lip readers everywhere a man in a blue shirt in the audience mouthed, “That’s bollocks.” Time after time she failed to satisfy the audience, proving that she can only function when surrounded by lackies who applaud her robotic soundbites, but put her in a room full of real human beings who are allowed to ask her questions, and she comes across with all the wit and warmth of an abandoned piss soaked mattress on Dalmarnock Road.

Things didn’t get much better in the second half, when Corbyn and May were separately interrogated by Jeremy Paxman. Corbyn managed to get through his interview more or less in one piece, despite the fact that he was scarcely allowed to answer the question before Paxman interrupted to ask something else. However at least he was attempting to give honest answers to the questions, which is considerably more than could be said for Theresa May. There was a crucial difference in the questions put to each leader though – Corbyn was interrogated about his past, and gave credible replies even though they were replies which might not satisfy everyone. May was interrogated about the future, and dismally failed to deliver.

Noting her inability to come up with anything concrete or specific in connection with her Brexit plans, or indeed with anything at all, the questioning got a lot tougher. Paxman brought up the painful, for Theresa, topic of her repeated U-turns, specifically her recent U-turn on National Insurance contributions for the self-employed, which had lasted just a week while being shot down in flames by her usually fawning press. Obviously Theresa is a woman who knows how to cope with pressure, she just collapses like a crushed can in a compactor. The EU will have noted this too, suggested Paxo, before going in for the kill. “Aren’t you just a blowhard who collapses at the first sound of gunfire?” he asked to a round of applause from the audience. Theresa glared at him with a look that could fry a pound of mince all the way from the far side of that distant galaxy where she’s concocted her Brexit plans, clearly wondering when her minions would get around to upgrading the Maybot with a death ray. She made a mental note to tread on the back of the lackey who had suggested this interview with her highest high heels.

She did manage to elicit one small round of applause from the audience, when she repeated one of her favourite soundbites, even though it’s a soundbite which is even less meaningful than most of them. “No deal is better than a bad deal,” she repeated like a protective mantra when being asked about what sort of Brexit deal she’d accept. But the truth is that if there is a bad deal it will only be because Theresa isn’t as good at negotiations as she’d had us believe. Most of all however, it’s a senseless soundbite because no deal is a very bad deal indeed. No deal means trade tarrifs, massive distruption to exports, a plummeting pound and increasing costs, job losses that could run into the hundreds of thousands, and huge queues and delays at ferry ports. It means that UK citizens living in the EU and EU citizens living in the UK face appalling uncertainty. It means a hard border in Ireland and the very real possibility that violence might break out again there. The only worse deal than no deal would be for the EU to propose that the UK becomes a slave colony of an alien empire from somewhere in that galaxy where Theresa May’s devising her Brexit plans. Although to be honest since the Tories are planning to turn post-Brexit Britain into a slave colony of Donald Trump the space aliens might still be a better option. At least their orange skin is natural.

At the end of the proceedings a single solitary Tory stood up to give Theresa a standing ovation.  Then he looked round to realise that he was entirely by himself.  The other Conservative Association plants in the audience had wilted.  But even so, reports in the Tory press today claim that May won the debate, which is the perfect illustration of how the public has lost faith in the media.  It’s one thing to lie about events that take place behind closed doors or in far away countries, it’s quite another to lie about a Tory galactoshambles that has just taken place before our very eyes.

So what we learned this evening is that Jeremy Corbyn isn’t the bogey man that the press makes him out to be, and that Theresa May’s reputation for competence is as artificial as Donald Trump’s tan. It’s probably not going to be enough to lose her the election, but it just might knock a few percentage points off the lead that she enjoys in the polls, and for that we should be grateful.

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